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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?><!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"    "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd"><html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" /><link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" /><title>The Devil&rsquo;s Dictionary: A</title></head> <body lang="en-us"> <h1>A</h1> <p class="entry"><span class="def">abasement,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A decent and customarymental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressingan employer.</p>   <p class="entry"><span class="def">abatis,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Rubbish in front of a fort,to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.</p> <p class="entry" id="abdication"><span class="def">abdication,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An actwhereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="po">Poor Isabella&rsquo;s Dead, whose abdication</p><p class="po">Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.</p><p class="po">For that performance &rsquo;twere unfair to scold her:</p><p class="po">She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.</p><p class="po">To History she&rsquo;ll be no royal riddle&mdash;</p><p class="po">Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.</p><p class="citepoet">G. J.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">abdomen,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The temple of the godStomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but astammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverencefor the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world&rsquo;smarketing the race would become graminivorous.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ability,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The natural equipment to accomplishsome small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonlyfound to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality isrightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.</p>            <p class="entry"><span class="def">abnormal,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not conforming tostandard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is tobe detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter resemblance of theAverage Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of deathand the hope of Hell.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">aboriginies,</span>  <span class="pos">n.</span> Persons of little worth found             cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.</p>             <p class="entry" id="abracadabra"><span class="def">abracadabra.</span></p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">By <i>Abracadabra</i> we signify<br /><span class="ind1">An infinite number of things.</span><br />&rsquo;Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?<br />And Whence? and Whither?&mdash;a word whereby<br /><span class="ind1">The Truth (with the comfort it brings)</span><br />Is open to all who grope in night,<br />Crying for Wisdom&rsquo;s holy light.</p></div> <div class="stanza"><p class="poem">Whether the word is a verb or a noun<br /><span class="ind1">Is knowledge beyond my reach.</span><br />I only know that &rsquo;tis handed down.<br /><span class="ind3">From sage to sage,</span><br /><span class="ind3">From age to age&mdash;</span><br /><span class="ind1">An immortal part of speech!</span></p></div> <div class="stanza"><p class="poem">Of an ancient man the tale is told<br />That he lived to be ten centuries old,<br /><span class="ind1">In a cave on a mountain side.</span><br /><span class="ind1">(True, he finally died.)</span><br />The fame of his wisdom filled the land,<br />For his head was bald, and you&rsquo;ll understand<br /><span class="ind1">His beard was long and white</span><br /><span class="ind1">And his eyes uncommonly bright.</span></p></div> <div class="stanza"><p class="poem">Philosophers gathered from far and near<br />To sit at his feat and hear and hear,<br /><span class="ind3">Though he never was heard</span><br /><span class="ind3">To utter a word</span><br /><span class="ind1">But &ldquo;<i>Abracadabra</i>, abracadab,</span><br /><span class="ind3">Abracada, abracad,</span><br /><span class="ind1">Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!&rdquo;</span><br /><span class="ind3">&rsquo;Twas all he had,</span><br />&rsquo;Twas all they wanted to hear, and each<br />Made copious notes of the mystical speech,<br /><span class="ind3">Which they published next&mdash;</span><br /><span class="ind3">A trickle of text</span><br />In the meadow of commentary.<br /><span class="ind1">Mighty big books were these,</span><br /><span class="ind1">In a number, as leaves of trees;</span><br />In learning, remarkably&mdash;very!</p></div> <div class="stanza"><p class="poem"><span class="ind3">He&rsquo;s dead,</span><br /><span class="ind3">As I said,</span><br />And the books of the sages have perished,<br />But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.<br />In <i>Abracadabra</i> it solemnly rings,<br />Like an ancient bell that forever swings.<br /><span class="poind3">O, I love to hear</span><br /><span class="poind3">That word make clear</span><br />Humanity&rsquo;s General Sense of Things.</p><p class="citepoet">Jamrach Holobom.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">abridge,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To shorten.</p>                 <p class="quote">When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge theirking, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.&mdash;<i>Oliver Cromwell</i></p>                  <p class="entry"><span class="def">abrupt,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Sudden, withoutceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are mostaffected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author&rsquo;s ideas that they were]&ldquo;concatenated without abruption.&rdquo;</p>                   <p class="entry" id="abscond"><span class="def">abscond,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To &ldquo;movein a mysterious way,&rdquo; commonly with the property of another.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">Spring beckons!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;All things to the call respond;<br />The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.</p><p class="citepoet">Phela Orm.</p></div></blockquote>  <p class="entry" id="absent"><span class="def">absent,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Peculiarlyexposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the considerationand affection of another.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">To men a man is but a mind. Who cares<br />What face he carries or what form he wears?<br />But woman&rsquo;s body is the woman. O,<br />Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,<br />But heed the warning words the sage hath said:<br />A woman absent is a woman dead.<br /></p><p class="citepoet">Jogo Tyree.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">absentee,</span><span class="pos">n.</span> A personwith an <a href="I.html#income">income</a> who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">absolute,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Independent, irresponsible.An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where thesovereign&rsquo;s power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which aregoverned by chance.</p>                                                      <p class="entry" id="abstainer"><span class="def">abstainer,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A weakperson who yields to the temptation of denying himself a <a href="P.html#pleasure">pleasure</a>. A total abstainer is one who abstainsfrom everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">Said a man to a crapulent youth: &ldquo;I thought<br /><span class="ind1">You a total abstainer, my son.&rdquo;</span><br />&ldquo;So I am, so I am,&rdquo; said the scrapgrace caught&mdash;<br /><span class="ind1">&ldquo;But not, sir, a bigoted one.&rdquo;</span></p><p class="citepoet">G. J.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">absurdity,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A statement or beliefmanifestly inconsistent with one&rsquo;s own opinion.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">academe,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ancient school wheremorality and philosophy were taught.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">academy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span>(from academe). A modern school where football is taught.</p>                          <p class="entry"><span class="def">accident,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An inevitableoccurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.</p>                         <p class="entry"><span class="def">accomplice,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One associatedwith another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an <a href="L.html#lawyer">attorney</a> who defends acriminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney&rsquo;s position in the matter has not hithertocommanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">accord,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Harmony.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">accordion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An instrumentin harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.</p> <p class="entry" id="accountability"><span class="def">accountability,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Themother of caution.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">&ldquo;My accountability, bear in mind,&rdquo;<br /><span class="ind1">Said the Grand Vizier: &ldquo;Yes, yes,&rdquo;</span><br />Said the Shah: &ldquo;I do&mdash;&rsquo;tis the only kind<br /><span class="ind1">Of ability you possess.&rdquo;</span></p><p class="citepoet">Joram Tate.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">accuse,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To affirm another&rsquo;s guiltor unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.</p>                         <p class="entry"><span class="def">acephalous,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> In the surprising condition of theCrusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him,passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">achievement,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The death of endeavorand the birth of disgust.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">acknowledge,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To confess.Acknowledgement of one another&rsquo;s faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of<a href="T.html#truth">truth</a>.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">acquaintance,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A person whom weknow well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight whenits object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is <a href="R.html#rich">rich</a> or<a href="F.html#famous">famous.</a></p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">actually,</span> <span class="pos">adv.</span> Perhaps; possibly.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">adage,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Boned wisdom for weak teeth.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">adamant,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A mineral frequently foundbeneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">adder,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A species of snake. So calledfrom its habit of adding <a href="F.html#funeral">funeral</a> outlays to the other expenses of living.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">adherent,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A follower who has notyet obtained all that he expects to get.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">administration,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ingeniousabstraction in <a href="P.html#politics">politics</a>, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due tothe premier or <a href="P.html#president">president</a>. A man of straw, proof against bad-eggingand dead-catting.</p>                         <p class="entry"><span class="def">admiral,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> That part of a war-shipwhich does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">admiration,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Our polite recognition ofanother&rsquo;s resemblance to ourselves.</p> <p class="entry" id="admonition"><span class="def">admonition,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Gentlereproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">Consigned by way of admonition,<br />His soul foever to perdition.</p><p class="citepoet">Judibras.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">adore,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To venerate expectantly.</p> <p class="entry" id="advice"><span class="def">advice,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The smallestcurrent coin.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">&ldquo;The man was in such deep distress,&rdquo;<br />Said Tom, &ldquo;that I could do no less<br />Than give him good advice.&rdquo; Said Jim:<br />&ldquo;If less could have been done for him<br />I know you well enough, my son,<br />To know that&rsquo;s what you would have done.&rdquo;</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">affianced,</span> <span class="pos">pp.</span> Fitted with anankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">affliction,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An acclimatizingprocess preparing the <a href="S.html#soul">soul</a> for another and bitter world.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">African,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A nigger that votes our way.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">age,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> That period of life in whichwe compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer theenterprise to commit.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">agitator,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A statesman who shakesthe fruit trees of his neighbors&mdash;to dislodge the worms.</p> <p class="entry" id="aim"><span class="def">aim,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The task we set our wishes to.</p>                           <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">&ldquo;Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?&rdquo;<br /><span class="ind1">She tenderly inquired.</span><br />&ldquo;An aim? Well, no, I haven&rsquo;t, wife;<br /><span class="ind1">The fact is&mdash;I have fired.&rdquo;</span></p><p class="citepoet">G. J.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">air,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A nutritious substance supplied by a                         bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">alderman,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ingenious criminalwho covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">alien,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An American sovereignin his probationary state.</p> <p class="entry" id="allah"><span class="def">Allah,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The MahometanSupreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">Allah&rsquo;s good laws I faithfully have kept,<br />And ever for the sins of man have wept;<br /><span class="ind1">And sometimes kneeling in the temple I</span><br />Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.</p><p class="citepoet">Junker Barlow.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry" id="allegiance"><span class="def">allegiance,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> </p>                           <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,<br />Is a ring fitted in the subject&rsquo;s nose,<br />Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed<br />To smell the sweetness of the Lord&rsquo;s anointed.</p><p class="citepoet">G. J.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">alliance,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In international politics,the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other&rsquo;s pockets thatthey cannot separately plunder a third.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">alligator,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The crocodile ofAmerica, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but theyappear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back thealligator is called a sawrian.</p> <p class="entry" id="alone"><span class="def">alone,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> In bad company.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">In contact, lo! the flint and steel,<br />By spark and flame, the thought reveal<br />That he the metal, she the stone,<br />Had cherished secretly alone.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry" id="altar"><span class="def">altar,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The place whereuponthe priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination andcooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice oftheir liberty and peace by a male and a female tool.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">They stood before the altar and supplied<br />The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.<br />In vain the sacrifice!&mdash;no god will claim<br />An offering burnt with an unholy flame.</p><p class="citepoet">M. P. Nopput.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ambidextrous,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Able to pickwith equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ambition,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An overmasteringdesire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">amnesty,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The state&rsquo;smagnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.</p> <p class="entry" id="anoint"><span class="def">anoint,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To grease a<a href="K.html#king">king</a> or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,<br />So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.</p><p class="citepoet">Judibras.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">antipathy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The sentimentinspired by one&rsquo;s friend&rsquo;s friend.</p> <p class="entry" id="aphorism"><span class="def">aphorism,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Predigested wisdom.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">The flabby wine-skin of his brain<br />Yields to some pathologic strain,<br />And voids from its unstored abysm<br />The driblet of an aphorism.</p><p class="citepoet">&nbsp;&ldquo;The Mad Philosopher,&rdquo;<span style="font-style: normal"> 1697.</span></p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">apologize,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To lay the foundation for a futureoffence.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">apostate,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A leech who, havingpenetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedientto form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.</p> <p class="entry" id="apothecary"><span class="def">apothecary,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Thephysician&rsquo;s accomplice, undertaker&rsquo;s benefactor and grave worm&rsquo;s provider.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,<br />And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,<br />That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth<br />Disease for the apothecary&rsquo;s health,<br />Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:<br />&ldquo;My deadliest drug shall bear my patron&rsquo;s name!&rdquo;</p><p class="citepoet">G. J.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">appeal,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> In <a href="L.html#law">law</a>,to put the dice into the box for another throw.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">appetite,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An instinct thoughtfullyimplanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">applause,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The echo ofa <a href="P.html#platitude">platitude</a>.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">April Fool,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The March<a href="F.html#fool">fool</a> with another month added to his folly.</p> <p class="entry" id="archbishop"><span class="def">archbishop,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ecclesiasticaldignitary one point holier than a bishop.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">If I were a jolly archbishop,<br />On Fridays I&rsquo;d eat all the fish up&mdash;<br />Salmon and flounders and smelts;<br />On other days everything else.<br /></p><p class="citepoet">Jodo Rem.</p></div></blockquote> <p class="entry"><span class="def">architect,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who drafts a planof your <a href="H.html#house">house</a>, and plans a draft of your money.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ardor,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The quality that distinguisheslove without knowledge.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">arena,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In politics, an imaginary rat-pitin which the statesman wrestles with his record.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">aristocracy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Government by thebest men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hatsand clean shirts&mdash;guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">armor,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The kind of clothing wornby a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">arrayed,</span> <span class="pos">pp.</span> Drawn up and given anorderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">arrest,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> Formally to detain oneaccused of unusualness.</p> <p class="quote">God made the world in six days and was arrested on theseventh.&mdash;<i>The Unauthorized Version</i></p> <p class="entry" id="arsenic"><span class="def">arsenic,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind ofcosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.</p> <blockquote><div class="stanza"><p class="poem">&ldquo;Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,&rdquo;<br />

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