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<?xml version="1.0"?>       <!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"         "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd"><html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" /><link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" /><title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: M</title></head><body lang="en-US">  <h1>M</h1> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mace</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A staffof office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates itsoriginal purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">machination</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Themethod employed by one’s opponents in baffling one’s open and honorable effortsto do the right thing.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">So plain the advantages of machination</p><p class="poetry">It constitutes a moral obligation,</p><p class="poetry">And honest wolves who think upon’t with loathing</p><p class="poetry">Feel bound to don the sheep’s deceptive clothing.</p><p class="poetry">So prospers still the diplomatic art,</p><p class="poetry">And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart.</p><p class="citeauth">R. S. K.</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">macrobian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Oneforgotten of the gods and living to a great age. History is abundantly suppliedwith examples, from Methuselah to Old Parr, but some notable instances oflongevity are less well known. A Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753,lived so long that he had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universalpeace. Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that hecould remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a linen draperof Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five hundred years, and that inall that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity(<i>macrobiosis</i>) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough toknow better. The editor of <i>The American</i>,a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes back to the time when hewas a rascal, but not to the fact. The President of the United States was bornso long ago that many of the friends of his youth have risen to high politicaland military preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The versesfollowing were written by a macrobian:</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">When I was young the world was fair</p><p class="poetry">And amiable and sunny.</p><p class="poetry">A brightness was in all the air,</p><p class="poetry">In all the waters, honey.</p><p class="poetry">The jokes were fine and funny,</p><p class="poetry">The statesmen honest in their views,</p><p class="poetry">And in their lives, as well,</p><p class="poetry">And when you heard a bit of news</p><p class="poetry">‘Twas true enough to tell.</p><p class="poetry">Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking,</p><p class="poetry">Nor women “generally speaking.”</p><p class="poetry">The Summer then was long indeed:</p><p class="poetry">It lasted one whole season!</p><p class="poetry">The sparkling Winter gave no heed</p><p class="poetry">When ordered by Unreason</p><p class="poetry">To bring the early peas on.</p><p class="poetry">Now, where the dickens is the sense</p><p class="poetry"> In calling that a year</p><p class="poetry">Which does no more than just commence</p><p class="poetry">Before the end is near?</p><p class="poetry">When I was young the year extended</p><p class="poetry">From month to month until it ended.</p><p class="poetry">I know not why the world has changed</p><p class="poetry">To something dark and dreary,</p><p class="poetry">And everything is now arranged</p><p class="poetry">To make a fellow weary.</p><p class="poetry">The Weather Man—I fear he</p><p class="poetry">Has much to do with it, for, sure,</p><p class="poetry">The air is not the same:</p><p class="poetry">It chokes you when it is impure,</p><p class="poetry">When pure it makes you lame.</p><p class="poetry">With windows closed you are asthmatic;</p><p class="poetry">Open, neuralgic or sciatic.</p><p class="poetry">Well, I suppose this new regime</p><p class="poetry">Of dun degeneration</p><p class="poetry">Seems eviler than it would seem</p><p class="poetry">To a better observation,</p><p class="poetry">And has for compensation</p><p class="poetry">Some blessings in a deep disguise</p><p class="poetry">Which mortal sight has failed</p><p class="poetry">To pierce, although to angels’ eyes</p><p class="poetry">They’re visible unveiled.</p><p class="poetry">If Age is such a boon, good land!</p><p class="poetry">He’s costumed by a master hand!</p><p class="citeauth">Venable Strigg</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mad</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Affectedwith a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards ofthought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves;at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons arepronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. Forillustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in thefaith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet foraught he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems tohim to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against thewindow bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocentdelight of many thoughtless spectators.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Magdalene</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Aninhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found out. This definition of theword has the authority of ignorance, Mary of Magdala being another person thanthe penitent woman mentioned by St. Luke. It has also the official sanction ofthe governments of Great Britain and the United States. In England the word ispronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly sentimental. Withtheir Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for Bethlehem, the English mayjustly boast themselves the greatest of revisers.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">magic</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An artof converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the samehigh purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">magnet</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Somethingacted upon by magnetism.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">magnetism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Somethingacting upon a magnet.</p> <p class="indentpara">The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousandeminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light,to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">magnificient</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Havinga grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed,as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">magnitude</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Size.Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is large and nothing small. Ifeverything in the universe were increased in bulk one thousand diametersnothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remainunchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. To anunderstanding familiar with the relativity of magnitude and distance the spacesand masses of the astronomer would be no more impressive than those of themicroscopist. For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may bea small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life- fluid(luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures peopling thecorpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper emotion whencontemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these to another.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">magpie</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A birdwhose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">maiden</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A youngperson of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and views that madden tocrime. The genus has a wide geographical distribution, being found whereversought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing tothe eye, nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, thoughin respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regardto the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field by thecanary—which, also, is more portable.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang—</p><p class="poetry">This quaint, sweet song sang she;</p><p class="poetry">“It’s O for a youth with a football bang</p><p class="poetry">And a muscle fair to see!</p><p class="poetry">The Captain he</p><p class="poetry">Of a team to be!</p><p class="poetry">On the gridiron he shall shine,</p><p class="poetry">A monarch by right divine,</p><p class="poetry">And never to roast on it—me!”</p><p class="citeauth">Opoline Jones</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">majesty</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thestate and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most EminentGrand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates ofthe ancient and honorable orders of republican America.</p> <p id="male" class="entry"><span class="def">male</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A memberof the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonlyknown (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providersand bad providers.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">malefactor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thechief factor in the progress of the human race.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">malthusian</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Pertainingto Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limitingpopulation, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the mostpractical exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all thefamous soldiers have been of the same way of thinking.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mammalia</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>pl. Afamily of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle theiryoung, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Mammon</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The godof the world’s leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">He swore that all other religions were</p><p class="poetry">gammon, And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon.</p><p class="citeauth">Jared Oopf</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">man</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An animalso lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook whathe indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of otheranimals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistentrapidity as to infest the whole habitable earh and Canada.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">When the world was young and Man was new,</p><p class="poetry">And everything was pleasant,</p><p class="poetry">Distinctions Nature never drew</p><p class="poetry">‘Mongst kings and priest and peasant.</p><p class="poetry">We’re not that way at present,</p><p class="poetry">Save here in this Republic, where</p><p class="poetry">We have that old regime,</p><p class="poetry">For all are kings, however bare</p><p class="poetry">Their backs, howe’er extreme</p><p class="poetry">Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice</p><p class="poetry">To accept the tyrant of his party’s choice.</p><p class="poetry">A citizen who would not vote,</p><p class="poetry">And, therefore, was detested,</p><p class="poetry">Was one day with a tarry coat</p><p class="poetry">(With feathers backed and breasted)</p><p class="poetry">By patriots invested.</p><p class="poetry">“It is your duty,” cried the crowd,</p><p class="poetry">“Your ballot true to cast</p><p class="poetry">For the man o’ your choice.” He humbly bowed,</p><p class="poetry">And explained his wicked past:</p><p class="poetry">“That’s what I very gladly would have done, Dear patriots, but he has never run.”</p><p class="citeauth">Apperton Duke</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">manes</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Theimmortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state of dulldiscomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were buried and burned;and they seem not to have been particularly happy afterward.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Manicheism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Theancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. WhenGood gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Manna</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A foodmiraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longersupplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as arule, with the bodies of the original occupants.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">marriage</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thestate or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and twoslaves, making in all, two.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">martyr</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One whomoves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">material</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Havingan actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">Material things I know, or fell, or see;</p><p class="poetry">All else is immaterial to me.</p><p class="citeauth">Jamrach Holobom</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mausoleum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thefinal and funniest folly of the rich.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mayonnaise</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Oneof the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">me,</span> <span class="pos">pro.</span> Theobjectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, thedominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">meander</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Toproceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river aboutone hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which turned and twisted in theeffort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">medal</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A smallmetal disk given as a reward for virtues, attainments or services more or lessauthentic.</p> <p class="indentpara">It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person,that, being asked the meaning of the medal, he replied: “I save livessometimes.” And sometimes he didn’t.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">medicine</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A stoneflung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">meekness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Uncommonpatience in planning a revenge that is worth while.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">M is for Moses,</p><p class="poetry">Who slew the Egyptian.</p><p class="poetry">As sweet as a rose is</p><p class="poetry">The meekness of Moses.</p><p class="poetry">No monument shows his</p><p class="poetry">Post-mortem inscription,</p><p class="poetry">But M is for Moses</p><p class="poetry">Who slew the Egyptian.</p><p class="citeauth"><i>The Biographical Alphabet</i></p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">meerschaum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> (Literally,seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay,which for convenience in coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smokedby the workmen engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has notbeen disclosed by the manufacturers.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">There was a youth (you’ve heard before,</p><p class="poetry">This woeful tale, may be),</p><p class="poetry">Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore</p><p class="poetry">That color it would he!</p><p class="poetry">He shut himself from the world away,</p><p class="poetry">Nor any soul he saw.</p><p class="poetry">He smoke by night, he smoked by day,</p><p class="poetry">As hard as he could draw.</p><p class="poetry">His dog died moaning in the wrath</p><p class="poetry">Of winds that blew aloof;</p><p class="poetry">The weeds were in the gravel path,</p><p class="poetry">The owl was on the roof.</p><p class="poetry">“He’s gone afar, he’ll come no more,”</p><p class="poetry">The neighbors sadly say.</p><p class="poetry">And so they batter in the door</p><p class="poetry">To take his goods away.</p><p class="poetry">Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay,</p><p class="poetry">Nut-brown in face and limb.</p><p class="poetry">“That pipe’s a lovely white,” they say,</p><p class="poetry">“But it has colored him!”</p><p class="poetry">The moral there’s small need to sing—</p><p class="poetry">‘Tis plain as day to you:</p><p class="poetry">Don’t play your game on any thing</p><p class="poetry">That is a gamester too.</p><p class="citeauth">Martin Bulstrode</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mendacious</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Addicted to rhetoric.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">merchant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Oneengaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thingpursued is a dollar.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mercy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Anattribute beloved of detected offenders.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mesmerism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Hypnotismbefore it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">metropolis</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Astronghold of provincialism.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">millennium</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Theperiod of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mind</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Amysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists inthe endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being dueto the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with. From the Latin <i>mens</i>, a fact unknown to that honestshoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor over the way haddisplayed the motto “<i>Mens conscia recti</i>,” emblazoned his own front with thewords “Men’s, women’s and children’s conscia recti.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">mine</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Belongingto me if I can hold or seize it.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">minister</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Anagent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy and officersent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign’shostility. His principal qualification is a degree of plausible inveracity nextbelow that of an ambassador.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">minor</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Lessobjectionable.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">minstrel</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Formerlya poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with a color less than skin deep and ahumor more than flesh and blood can bear.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">miracle</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An actor event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal handof four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">miscreant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Aperson of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word meansunbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology’s noblestcontribution to the development of our language.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">misdemeanor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Aninfraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting noclaim to admittance into the best criminal society.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">By misdemeanors he essays to climb</p><p class="poetry">Into the aristocracy of crime.</p><p class="poetry">O, woe was him!&#8212;with manner chill and grand “Captains of industry” refused his hand, “Kings offinance” denied him recognition And “railway magnates” jeered his lowcondition. He robbed a bank to make himself respected.</p><p class="poetry">They still rebuffed him, for he was detected.</p><p class="citeauth">S. V. Hanipur</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">misericorde</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Adagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind anunhorsed knight that he was mortal.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">misfortune</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thekind of fortune that never misses.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">miss</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The titlewith which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss,Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable wordsin the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the otherof Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country theymiraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistentand give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated toMh.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">molecule</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Theultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle,also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to theatom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientifictheories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscularand the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation ofprecipitation of matter from ether—whose existence is proved by thecondensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific thought istoward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle andthe atom in that it is an ion. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it isdoubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">monad</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Theultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See <i>Molecule</i>.)According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, themonad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation—Leibnitz knows himby the innate power of considering. He has founded upon him a theory of theuniverse, which the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is agentlmean. Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilitiesneedful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class&#8212;altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be confounded with themicrobe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern him, a good microscope showshim to be of an entirely distinct species.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">monarch</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Aperson engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation ofthe word attests, and as many subjects have had occasion to learn. In Russiaand the Orient the monarch has still a considerable influence in public affairsand in the disposition of the human head, but in western Europe politicaladministration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being somewhatpreoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his own head.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">monarchical government</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Government.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Monday</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> InChristian countries, the day after the baseball game.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">money</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Ablessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. Anevidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">monkey</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Anarboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">monosyllabic</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span>Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire oftestifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. Thewords are commonly Saxon—that is to say, words of a barbarous people destituteof ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">The man who writes in Saxon</p><p class="poetry">Is the man to use an ax on</p><p class="citeauth">Judibras</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">monsignor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Ahigh ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">monument</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Astructure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemorationor cannot be commemorated.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">The bones of Agammemnon are a show,</p><p class="poetry">And ruined is his royal monument,</p><p class="poetry">but Agammemnon’sfame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument custom has its <i>reductiones ad absurdum</i> in monuments “tothe unknown dead”—that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of thosewho have left no memory.</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">moral</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Conformingto a local and mutable standard of right. </p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">Having the quality of general expediency.</p>

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