Charles.Forsyth20060303-partialeea662d19 years agoHistory
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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-16"?><!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"    "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd"><html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" /><link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" /><title>The Devil’s Dictionary: E</title></head> <body lang="en-us"> <h1>E</h1> <p class="entry"><span class="def">eat,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To perform  successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.</p>    <p class="indentpara">“I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,” said Brillat-Savarin, beginningan anecdote. “What!” interrupted Rochebriant; “eating dinner in a drawing-room?” “I must beg you to   observe, monsieur,” explained the great gastronome, “that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I   had dined an hour before.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">eavesdrop,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> Secretly   to overhear a catalogue    of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.</p>          <table align="center" border="0">      <tr>        <td valign="top" align="left">      <p class="poetry">A lady with one of her ears applied<br /> To an open keyhole heard, inside,<br /> Two female gossips in converse    free—<br /> The subject engaging them was she.<br /> “I think,” said    one, “and my husband thinks<br /> That she’s a prying, inquisitive minx!”<br /> As soon as no more of it she could    hear<br /> The lady, indignant, removed her    ear.<br /> “I will not stay,”    she said, with a pout,<br /> “To hear my character lied about!”</p>        <p class="citeauth">Gopete Sherany.</p>            </td>      </tr>    </table>      <p class="entry"><span class="def">eccentricity,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A method of distinction so cheap      that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.</p>            <p class="entry"><span class="def">economy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Purchasing     the barrel of whiskey that you do      not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.</p>            <p class="entry"><span class="def">edible,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Good to eat,     and wholesome to digest, as a      worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man      to a worm.</p>            <p class="entry"><span class="def">editor,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A person who combines the judicial functions       of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely       virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of       others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning       and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers       petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a       mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the       evening star. Master of mysteries and       lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with       the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue       a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths       to suit. And at intervals from behind       the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches       of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom       and whack up some pathos.</p>                <table align="center" border="0">         <tr>           <td valign="top" align="left">            <p class="poetry">O, the Lord of Law       on the Throne of Thought,<br />    <span class="ind1">A gilded impostor is he.</span><br />      Of shreds and       patches his robes are wrought,<br />      <span class="ind3">      His crown is brass,</span><br />      <span class="ind3">      Himself an ass,</span><br />      <span class="ind1">      And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.</span><br />     Prankily, crankily prating of       naught,<br />      Silly old quilly old Monarch of       Thought.<br />      <span class="ind1">      Public opinion’s       camp-follower he,</span><br />    <span class="ind1">Thundering, blundering, plundering free.</span><br />      <span class="ind3">      Affected,</span><br />      <span class="ind6">      Ungracious,</span><br />      <span class="ind3">      Suspected,</span><br />      <span class="ind6">      Mendacious,</span><br />    Respected contemporaree!</p>            <p class="citeauth">J.H. Bumbleshook.</p>                </td>        </tr>      </table>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">education,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> That     which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of     understanding.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">effect,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The second of two phenomena which always     occur together in the same order. The     first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other—which is no more sensible     than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a     rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of a dog.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">egotist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A  person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.</p>          <table align="center" border="0">       <tr>         <td valign="top" align="left">        <p class="poetry">Megaceph, chosen to serve the State<br />    In the halls of legislative debate,<br />    One day with all his credentials     came<br />    To the capitol’s door and announced     his name.<br />    The doorkeeper looked, with a     comical twist<br />    Of the face, at the eminent     egotist,<br />    And said: “Go away, for we settle here<br />    All manner of questions, knotty and     queer,<br />    And we cannot have, when the     speaker demands<br />    To be told how every member stands,<br />    A man who to all things under the     sky<br />    Assents by eternally voting ‘I’.”      </p>      </td>        </tr>      </table>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">ejection,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An approved remedy for the disease of     garrulity. It is also much used in     cases of extreme poverty.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">elector,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who enjoys the sacred privilege of     voting for the man of another man’s choice.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">electricity,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The power that causes all natural       phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to       strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and       good man’s career. The memory of Dr.       Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a       waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the following touching       account of his life and services to science:</p>              <p class="quote">“Monsieur       Franqulin, inventor of electricity.       This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the       world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a       single fragment was ever recovered.”</p>              <p class="indentpara">Electricity seems       destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. The question of its economical application       to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it       will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more light than a       horse.</p>              <p class="entry"><span class="def">elegy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A composition in verse, in which, without       employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the       reader’s mind the dampest kind of dejection.       The most famous English example begins somewhat like this:</p>                <table align="center" border="0">        <tr>          <td valign="top" align="left">          <p class="poetry">The cur foretells       the knell of parting day;<br />      <span class="ind1">      The loafing herd        winds slowly o’er the lea;</span><br />      The wise man       homeward plods; I only stay<br />      <span class="ind1">      To fiddle-faddle       in a minor key.</span>          </p>      </td>        </tr>      </table>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">eloquence,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span>       The art of orally persuading fools that white       is the color that it appears to be. It       includes the gift of making any color appear white.</p>              <p class="entry"><span class="def">elysium,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An imaginary delightful country which the       ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was       swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians—may their souls be       happy in Heaven!</p>              <p class="entry"><span class="def">emancipation,</span> <span class="pos">       n.</span> A bondman’s change from the tyranny       of another to the despotism of himself.</p>                <table align="center" border="0">        <tr>          <td valign="top" align="left">          <p class="poetry">He was a       slave: at word he went and came;<br />      <span class="ind1">      His iron collar cut       him to the bone.</span><br />      Then Liberty       erased his owner’s name,<br />      <span class="ind1">      Tightened the       rivets and inscribed his own.</span></p>              <p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>                  </td>        </tr>      </table>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">embalm,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases      upon which it feeds. By embalming their      dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable      life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and      incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction,      and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor’s lawn as a      tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long      inutility. We shall get him after      awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are      languishing for a nibble at his <i>glutoeus      maximus</i>.</p>            <p class="entry"><span class="def">emotion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A prostrating disease caused by a      determination of the heart to the head.      It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride      of sodium from the eyes.</p>            <p class="entry"><span class="def">encomiast,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A special (but not particular) kind of liar.</p>            <p class="entry"><span class="def">end,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The position farthest removed on either hand      from the Interlocutor.</p>              <table align="center" border="0">        <tr>          <td valign="top" align="left">          <p class="poetry">The man was       perishing apace<br />      <span class="ind1">      Who played the       tambourine;</span><br />      The seal of death       was on his face—<br />      <span class="ind1">      ‘Twas pallid, for       ‘twas clean.</span></p>              <p class="poetry">“This is the end,”       the sick man said<br />      <span class="ind1">      In faint and       failing tones.</span><br />      A moment later he       was dead,<br />      <span class="ind1">      And Tambourine was       Bones.</span></p>              <p class="citeauth">Tinley Roquot.</p>                  </td>       </tr>     </table>        <p></p>            <p class="entry"><span class="def">enough,</span> <span class="pos">pro.</span> All there is in the world if you like it.</p>              <table align="center" border="0">       <tr>         <td valign="top" align="left">        <p class="poetry">Enough is as good       as a feast—for that matter<br />  Enougher’s as good as a feast for the platter.</p>  <p class="citeauth">Arbely C. Strunk.   </p>         </td>      </tr>    </table>      <p class="entry"><span class="def">entertainment,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Any kind of amusement whose inroads     stop short of death by injection.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">enthusiasm,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A distemper of youth, curable by     small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of     experience. Byron, who recovered long     enough to call it “entuzy-muzy,” had a relapse, which carried him off—to     Missolonghi.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">envelope,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a     bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">envy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">epaulet,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish     a military officer from the enemy—that is to say, from the officer of lower     rank to whom his death would give promotion.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">epicure,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious     philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted     no time in gratification from the senses.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">epigram,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A short, sharp saying in prose or verse,      frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable      epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:</p>         <blockquote><p>We know better the      needs of ourselves than of others. To      serve oneself is economy of administration.</p> <p>In each human      heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.</p> <p>There are three      sexes; males, females and girls.</p> <p>Beauty in women      and distinction in men are alike in this:     they seem to be      the unthinking a kind of credibility.</p> <p>Women in love are      less ashamed than men. They have less      to be ashamed of.</p> <p>While your friend      holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch      both his.</p>    </blockquote>           <p class="entry"><span class="def">epitaph,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An inscription on a tomb, showing that      virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:</p>              <table align="center" border="0">       <tr>         <td valign="top" align="left">        <p class="poetry">Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,<br />     Wise, pious, humble and all that,<br />     Who showed us life as all should      live it;<br />     Let that be said—and God forgive      it!    </p>          </td>       </tr>     </table>        <p class="entry"><span class="def">erudition,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Dust shaken out of a book into an empty      skull.</p>              <table align="center" border="0">       <tr>         <td valign="top" align="left">        <p class="poetry">So wide his erudition’s mighty      span,<br />     He knew Creation’s origin and plan<br />     And only came by accident to grief—<br />     He thought, poor man, ‘twas right      to be a thief.</p>            <p></p>            <p class="citeauth">Romach Pute.</p>                </td>      </tr>    </table>      <p></p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">esoteric,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Very particularly abstruse and     consummately occult. The ancient     philosophies were of two kinds,<i>&#8212;exoteric</i>,     those that the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and <i>esoteric</i>, those that nobody could     understand. It is the latter that have     most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our     time.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">ethnology,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The science that treats of the various     tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and     ethnologists.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">Eucharist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A sacred feast of the religious sect of     Theophagi.</p>          <p class="indentpara">A dispute once     unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they     ate. In this controversy some five     hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">eulogy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Praise of a person who has either the     advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">evangelist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A bearer of good tidings,     particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and     the damnation of our neighbors.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">everlasting,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I     venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of     the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitled, <i>A     Partial Definition of the Word “Everlasting,” as Used in the Authorized Version     of the Holy Scriptures</i>. His book was     once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I     understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">exception,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A thing which takes the liberty to differ     from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. “The exception proves the rule” is an     expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one     another with never a thought of its absurdity.     In the Latin, “<i>Exceptio probat regulam</i>” means that the exception <i>tests</i> the rule, puts it to the proof, not <i>confirms</i> it.    The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum     and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears     to be immortal.</p>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">excess,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In morals, an indulgence that enforces by     appropriate penalties the law of moderation.</p>            <table align="center" border="0">      <tr>        <td valign="top" align="left">      <p class="poetry">      Hail, high       Excess—especially in wine,<br />      <span class="ind1">      To thee in worship        do I bend the knee</span><br />  <span class="ind1">       Who preach abstemiousness unto me—</span><br />      My skull thy       pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.<br />      Precept on       precept, aye, and line on line,<br />      <span class="ind1">      Could ne’er       persuade so sweetly to agree</span><br />      <span class="ind1">      With reason as thy       touch, exact and free,</span><br />      Upon my forehead       and along my spine.<br />      At thy command       eschewing pleasure’s cup,<br />      <span class="ind1">      With the hot grape       I warm no more my wit;</span><br />      <span class="ind1">      When on thy stool       of penitence I sit</span><br />      I’m quite converted, for I can’t       get up.<br />      Ungrateful he who afterward would       falter<br />      To make new sacrifices at thine       altar!</p>            </td>        </tr>      </table>          <p class="entry"><span class="def">excommunication,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span></p>            

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