<?xml version="1.0"?>       <!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"         "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd"><html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" /><link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" /><title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: T</title></head><body lang="en-US">   <h1>T</h1> <p class="entry">T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdlycalled <i>tau</i>. In the alphabet whence ours comes ithad the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified <i>Tallegal</i>, translated by the learned Dr.Brownrigg, “tanglefoot.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Table D’Hote</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Acaterer’s thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,<br />Took Madam P. to table,<br />And there deliriously fed<br />As fast as he was able.<br />“I dote upon good grub,” he cried,<br />Intent upon its throatage.<br />“Ah, yes,” said the neglected bride,<br />“You’re in your <i>table d’hotage</i>.”</p> <p class="citeauth">Associated Poets</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">tail</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The partof an animal’s spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up anindependent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Manis without a tail, a privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasyconsciousness by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and bya marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail should be,and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable in the female of thespecies, in whom the ancestral sense is strong and persistent. The tailed mendescribed by Lord Monboddo are now generally regarded as a product of animagination unusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden age ofour pithecan past.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">take</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> Toacquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">talk</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> Tocommit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">tariff</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A scaleof taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against thegreed of his consumer.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">The Enemy of Human Souls<br />Sat grieving at the cost of coals;<br />For Hell had been annexed of late,<br />And was a sovereign Southern State.</p> <p class="poetry">“It were no more than right,” said he,<br />“That I should get my fuel free.<br />The duty, neither just nor wise,<br />Compels me to economize—<br />Whereby my broilers, every one,<br />Are execrably underdone.<br />What would they have?&#8212;although I yearn<br />To do them nicely to a turn,<br />I can’t afford an honest heat.<br />This tariff makes even devils cheat!<br />I’m ruined, and my humble trade<br />All rascals may at will invade:<br />Beneath my nose the public press<br />Outdoes me in sulphureousness;<br />The bar ingeniously applies<br />To my undoing my own lies;<br />My medicines the doctors use<br />(Albeit vainly) to refuse<br />To me my fair and rightful prey<br />And keep their own in shape to pay;<br />The preachers by example teach<br />What, scorning to perform, I teach;<br />And statesmen, aping me, all make<br />More promises than they can break.<br />Against such competition I<br />Lift up a disregarded cry.<br />Since all ignore my just complaint,<br />By Hokey-Pokey! I’ll turn saint!”<br />Now, the Republicans, who all<br />Are saints, began at once to bawl<br />Against <i>his</i> competition; so<br />There was a devil of a go!<br />They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete<br />In acrimonious debate,<br />Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,<br />Had hopes of coming by their own.<br />That evil to avert, in haste<br />The two belligerents embraced;<br />But since ‘twere wicked to relax<br />A tittle of the Sacred Tax,<br />‘Twas finally agreed to grant<br />The bold Insurgent-protestant<br />A bounty on each soul that fell<br />Into his ineffectual Hell.</p><p class="citeauth">Edam Smith</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">technicality</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Inan English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused hisneighbor of murder. His exact words were: “Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaverand stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon oneshoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder.” The defendant wasacquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that thewords did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook,that being only an inference.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">tedium</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Ennui,the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of theword have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that itcomes from a very obvious source—the first words of the ancient Latin hymn <i>TeDeum Laudamus</i>. In this apparently natural derivation there is something thatsaddens.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">teetotaler</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Onewho abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">telephone</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Aninvention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making adisagreeable person keep his distance.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">telescope</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Adevice having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to theear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needlessdetails. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">tenacity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Acertain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. Itattains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered aserviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrativelines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, whohas passed to his accounting:</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">Of such tenacity his grip<br />That nothing from his hand can slip.<br />Well-buttered eels you may o’erwhelm<br />In tubs of liquid slippery-elm<br />In vain—from his detaining pinch<br />They cannot struggle half an inch!<br />‘Tis lucky that he so is planned<br />That breath he draws not with his hand,<br />For if he did, so great his greed<br />He’d draw his last with eager speed.<br />Nay, that were well, you say. Not so<br />He’d draw but never let it go!</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">theosophy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Anancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery ofscience. The modern Theosophist holds, with the Buddhists, that we live anincalculable number of times on this earth, in as many several bodies, becauseone life is not long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, asingle lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we chooseto wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good—that is perfection; and theTheosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that everything desirous ofimprovement eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers aredisposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they werelast year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late MadameBlavatsky, who had no cat.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">tights</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Anhabiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the general acclamation of thepress agent with a particular publicity. Public attention was once somewhatdiverted from this garment to Miss Lillian Russell’s refusal to wear it, andmany were the conjectures as to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hallshowing a high order of ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall’sbelief that nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. Thistheory was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but theconception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as to rankamong the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! It is strange thatin all the controversy regarding Miss Russell’s aversion to tights no one seemsto have thought to ascribe it to what was known among the ancients as“modesty.” The nature of that sentiment is now imperfectly understood, andpossibly incapable of exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. Thestudy of lost arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the artsthemselves recovered. This is an epoch of <i>renaissances</i>,and there is ground for hope that the primitive “blush” may be dragged from itshiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the stage.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">tomb</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The Houseof Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent invested with a certainsanctity, but when they have been long tenanted it is considered no sin tobreak them open and rifle them, the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns,explaining that a tomb may be innocently “glened” as soon as its occupant isdone “smellynge,” the soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is nowgenerally accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosityhas been greatly dignified.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">tope</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To tipple,booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping isregarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront ofcivilization and power. When pitted against the hard-drinking Christians theabsemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundredthousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjectiontwo hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. Withwhat an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard outof his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts ofwestern Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywherethe nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not toorighteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the canteen fromthe American army may justly boast of having materially augmented the nation’smilitary power.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">tortoise</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Acreature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by theillustrious Ambat Delaso:</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">TO MY PET TORTOISE</p> <p class="poetry">My friend, you are not graceful—not at all;<br />Your gait’s between a stagger and a sprawl.<br />Nor are you beautiful: your head’s a snake’s<br />To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.<br />As to your feet, they’d make an angel weep.<br />‘Tis true you take them in whene’er you sleep.<br />No, you’re not pretty, but you have, I own,<br />A certain firmness—mostly you’re [sic] backbone.<br />Firmness and strength (you have a giant’s thews)<br />Are virtues that the great know how to use—<br />I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,<br />You lack—excuse my mentioning it—Soul.<br />So, to be candid, unreserved and true,<br />I’d rather you were I than I were you.</p> <p class="poetry">Perhaps, however, in a time to be,<br />When Man’s extinct, a better world may see<br />Your progeny in power and control,<br />Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.</p> <p class="poetry">So I salute you as a reptile grand<br />Predestined to regenerate the land.</p> <p class="poetry">Father of Possibilities, O deign<br />To accept the homage of a dying reign!<br />In the far region of the unforeknown<br />I dream a tortoise upon every throne.</p> <p class="poetry">I see an Emperor his head withdraw<br />Into his carapace for fear of Law;</p> <p class="poetry">A King who carries something else than fat,<br />Howe’er acceptably he carries that;<br />A President not strenuously bent<br />On punishment of audible dissent—</p> <p class="poetry">Who never shot (it were a vain attack)<br />An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;<br />Subject and citizens that feel no need<br />To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;<br />All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,<br />And “Take your time” the word, in Church and State.<br />O Tortoise, ‘tis a happy, happy dream,<br />My glorious testudinous regime!</p> <p class="poetry">I wish in Eden you’d brought this about<br />By slouching in and chasing Adam out.</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">tree</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A tallvegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through amiscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all.When naturally fruited, the tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and animportant factor in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive Southits fruit (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to thepublic taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general welfare. Thatthe legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch(who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the lamp-post and the bridge-girder)is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who antedated him by twocenturies:</p> <p>While in yt londeI was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof I had hearde moch talk; but sayyngeyt I saw naught remarkabyll in it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewemade answer as followeth:</p> <p>“Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall see dependynge fr. his braunchesall soch as have affroynted ye King his Majesty.”</p> <p>And I was furder tolde yt ye worde “Ghogo” sygnifyeth in yr tong ye same as “rapscal” in ourowne.</p> <p><i>Trauvells in ye Easte</i></p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">trial</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A formalinquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters ofjudges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessaryto supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, theprisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear thisperson is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuousgentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. Inour day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaevaltimes, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beastthat had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and,if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grainfields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civiltribunal, and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued <i>incontumaciam</i> the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where theywere solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo, somepigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy’s legs, upsetting him, were arrestedon a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burnedat the stake, but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D’Addosiorelates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs,goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct andmorals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some pondsabout Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty ofHeidelberg University, directed that some of “the aquatic worms” be broughtbefore the local magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present andabsent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within threedays on pain of incurring “the malediction of God.” In the voluminous recordsof this <i>cause celebre</i> nothing isfound to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departedforthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdiction.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">trichinosis</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thepig’s reply to proponents of porcophagy.</p> <p class="indentpara">Moses Mendlessohnhaving fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at once diagnosed thephilosopher’s disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. “Youneed and immediate change of diet,” he said; “you must eat six ounces of porkevery other day.”</p> <p class="dialog">“Pork?” shrieked the patient—“pork? Nothing shall induce me to touch it!”</p> <p class="dialog">“Do you mean that?” the doctor gravely asked.</p> <p class="dialog">“I swear it!”</p> <p class="dialog">“Good!&#8212;then I will undertake to cure you.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Trinity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In themultiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three entirely distinct deitiesconsistent with only one. Subordinate deities of the polytheistic faith, suchas devils and angels, are not dowered with the power of combination, and musturge individually their clames to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity isone of the most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it becauseit is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of theologicalfundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not understand, except inthe instance of an intelligible doctrine that contradicts an incomprehensibleone. In that case we believe the former as a part of the latter.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Troglodyte</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Specifically,a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and before the Flat. Afamous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. Thecolony consisted of “every one that was in distress, and every one that was indebt, and every one that was discontented”—in brief, all the Socialists ofJudah.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">truce</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Friendship.</p> <p id="truth" class="entry"><span class="def">truth</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Aningenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is thesole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the humanmind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">truthful</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Dumband illiterate.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">trust</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> InAmerican politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thriftyworking men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and thecourts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">turkey</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A largebird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiarproperty of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">twice</span>, <span class="pos">adv.</span> Oncetoo often.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">type</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Pestilentbits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despitetheir obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Tzetze (or Tsetse) Fly</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An Africaninsect (<i>Glossina morsitans</i>) whose bite is commonlyregarded as nature’s most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patientsprefer that of the American novelist (<i>Mendax interminabilis</i>).</p> </body>    </html>