<?xml version="1.0"?> <!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN" "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd"><html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" /><link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" /><title>The Devil’s Dictionary: I</title></head><body lang="en-US"> <h1>I</h1> <p>I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought ofthe mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of thefirst person and singular number. Its plural is said to be <i>We</i>, but how there can be more than onemyself is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of thisincomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but fine. Thefrank yet graceful use of “I” distinguishes a good writer from a bad; thelatter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Ichor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,</p><p class="poetry">Restrained the raging chief and said:</p><p class="poetry">“Behold, rash mortal, whom you’ve bled—</p><p class="poetry">Your soul’s stained white with ichorshed!”</p><p class="citeauth">Mary Doke</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">iconoclast</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by theperformance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth notreedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would haveother idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. Butthe iconoclast saith: “Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and ifthe rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of himand sit thereon till he squawk it.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">idiot</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always beendominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any specialfield of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has thelast word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions andopinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conductwith a dead-line.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">idleness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A model farm where thedevil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ignoramus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, andhaving certain other kinds that you know nothing about.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">Dumble was an ignoramus,</p><p class="poetry">Mumble was for learning famous.</p><p class="poetry">Mumble said one day to Dumble:</p><p class="poetry">“Ignorance should be more humble.</p><p class="poetry">Not a spark have you of knowledge</p><p class="poetry">That was got in any college.”</p><p class="poetry">Dumble said to Mumble: “Truly</p><p class="poetry">You’re self-satisfied unduly.</p><p class="poetry">Of things in college I’m denied</p><p class="poetry">A knowledge—you of all beside.”</p><p class="citeauth">Borelli</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">illuminati</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so calledbecause they were light weights—<i>cunctationes illuminati</i>.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">illustrious</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">imagination</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">imbecility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">immigrant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">immodest</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having a strong sense of one’s own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">There was once a man in Ispahan</p><p class="poetry">Ever and ever so long ago,</p><p class="poetry">And he had a head, the phrenologists said,</p><p class="poetry">That fitted him for a show.</p><p class="poetry">For his modesty’s bump was so large a lump</p><p class="poetry">(Nature, they said, had taken a freak)</p><p class="poetry">That its summit stood far above the wood</p><p class="poetry">Of his hair, like a mountain peak.</p><p class="poetry">So modest a man in all Ispahan,</p><p class="poetry">Over and over again they swore—</p><p class="poetry">So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;</p><p class="poetry">None ever was found before.</p><p class="poetry">Meantime the hump of that awful bump</p><p class="poetry">Into the heavens contrived to get</p><p class="poetry">To so great a height that they called the wight</p><p class="poetry">The man with the minaret.</p><p class="poetry">There wasn’t a man in all Ispahan</p><p class="poetry">Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:</p><p class="poetry">With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung</p><p class="poetry">He bragged of that beautiful bump</p><p class="poetry">Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page</p><p class="poetry">Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,</p><p class="poetry">And that gentle child explained as he smiled:</p><p class="poetry">“A little present for you.”</p><p class="poetry">The saddest man in all Ispahan,</p><p class="poetry">Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.</p><p class="poetry">“If I’d lived,” said he, “my humility</p><p class="poetry">Had given me deathless fame!”</p><p class="citeauth">Sukker Uffro</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">immoral</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances menfind to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.If man’s notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this ofexpediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; ifactions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and nowise dependenton, their consequences—then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">immorality</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">A toy which people cry for,</p><p class="poetry">And on their knees apply for,</p><p class="poetry">Dispute, contend and lie for,</p><p class="poetry">And if allowed</p><p class="poetry">Would be right proud</p><p class="poetry">Eternally to die for.</p><p class="citeauth">G. J.</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impale</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This,however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting anupright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position.This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity,and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to thebeginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in “churching”heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the “stoole of repentynge,” andamong the common people it was jocularly known as “riding the one leggedhorse.” Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered themost appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in Chinait is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged incases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must bea matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he wasmade acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certainsatisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cockon the spire of the True Church.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impartial</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of acontroversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impenitence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impiety</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Your irreverence toward my deity.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">imposition</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The act of blessingor consecrating by the laying on of hands—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performedwith the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”</p><p class="poetry">Say parson, priest and dervise,</p><p class="poetry">“We consecrate your cash and lands</p><p class="poetry">To ecclesiastical service.</p><p class="poetry">No doubt you’ll swear till all is blue</p><p class="poetry">At such an imposition. Do.”</p><p class="poetry">Pollo Doncas</p><p class="poetry">impostor n. A rival aspirant to public honors.</p><p class="poetry">improbability, <span class="pos">n.</span></p><p class="poetry">His tale he told with a solemn face</p><p class="poetry">And a tender, melancholy grace.</p><p class="poetry">Improbable ‘twas, no doubt,</p><p class="poetry">When you came to think it out,</p><p class="poetry">But the fascinated crowd</p><p class="poetry">Their deep surprise avowed</p><p class="poetry">And all with a single voice averred ‘Twas the most amazing thing they’d heard—</p><p class="poetry">All save one who spake never a word,</p><p class="poetry">But sat as mum</p><p class="poetry">As if deaf and dumb,</p><p class="poetry">Serene, indifferent and unstirred.</p><p class="poetry">Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb—</p><p class="poetry">Scanned him alive;</p><p class="poetry">But he seemed to thrive</p><p class="poetry">And tranquiler grow each minute,</p><p class="poetry">As if there were nothing in it.</p><p class="poetry">“What! what!” cried one, “are you not amazed</p><p class="poetry">At what our friend has told?” He raised</p><p class="poetry">Soberly then his eyes and gazed</p><p class="poetry">In a natural way</p><p class="poetry">And proceeded to say,</p><p class="poetry">As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:</p><p class="poetry">“O no—not at all; I’m a liar myself.”</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">improvidence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impunity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Wealth.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">inadmissible</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony which juriesare supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore,rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence isinadmissible because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the courtfor examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, commercialand of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is noreligion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. Revelationis hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only thetestimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and whoare not known to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence asthey now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in itssupport any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved that thebattle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was such as person as JuliusCaesar, such an empire as Assyria.</p> <p>But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful andmalevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence(including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraftand executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges’decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existingcourt was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft andsorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, humantestimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">inauspiciously</span>, <span class="pos">adv.</span> In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romansit was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise toobtain from the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome;and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted inobserving the flight of birds—the omens thence derived being called <i>auspices</i>. Newspaper reporters and certainmiscreant lexicographers have decided that the word—always in the plural—shallmean “patronage” or “management”; as, “The festivities were under the auspicesof the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers”; or, “The hilarities wereauspicated by the Knights of Hunger.”</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">A Roman slave appeared one day</p><p class="poetry">Before the Augur. “Tell me, pray,</p><p class="poetry">If—“ here the Augur, smiling, made</p><p class="poetry">A checking gesture and displayed</p><p class="poetry">His open palm, which plainly itched,</p><p class="poetry">For visibly its surface twitched.</p><p class="poetry">A <i>denarius</i> (the Latin nickel)</p><p class="poetry">Successfully allayed the tickle,</p><p class="poetry">And then the slave proceeded: “Please</p><p class="poetry">Inform me whether Fate decrees</p><p class="poetry">Success or failure in what I</p><p class="poetry">To-night (if it be dark) shall try.</p><p class="poetry">Its nature? Never mind—I think</p><p class="poetry">‘Tis writ on this”—and with a wink</p><p class="poetry">Which darkened half the earth, he drew</p><p class="poetry">Another denarius to view,</p><p class="poetry">Its shining face attentive scanned,</p><p class="poetry">Then slipped it into the good man’s hand,</p><p class="poetry">Who with great gravity said: “Wait</p><p class="poetry">While I retire to question Fate.”</p><p class="poetry">That holy person then withdrew</p><p class="poetry">His scared clay and, passing through</p><p class="poetry">The temple’s rearward gate, cried “Shoo!”</p><p class="poetry">Waving his robe of office. Straight</p><p class="poetry">Each sacred peacock and its mate</p><p class="poetry">(Maintained for Juno’s favor) fled</p><p class="poetry">With clamor from the trees o’erhead,</p><p class="poetry">Where they were perching for the night.</p><p class="poetry">The temple’s roof received their flight,</p><p class="poetry">For thither they would always go,</p><p class="poetry">When danger threatened them below.</p><p class="poetry">Back to the slave the Augur went:</p><p class="poetry">“My son, forecasting the event</p><p class="poetry">By flight of birds, I must confess</p><p class="poetry">The auspices deny success.”</p><p class="poetry">That slave retired, a sadder man,</p><p class="poetry">Abandoning his secret plan—</p><p class="poetry">Which was (as well the craft seer</p><p class="poetry">Had from the first divined) to clear</p><p class="poetry">The wall and fraudulently seize</p><p class="poetry">On Juno’s poultry in the trees.</p><p class="citeauth">G. J.</p></div> <p id="income" class="entry"><span class="def">income</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly acceptedstandards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as “Sir SycophasChrysolater” in the play has justly remarked, “the true use and function ofproperty (in whatsoever it consisteth—coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff,or anything which may be named as holden of right to one’s ownsubservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favorand acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Henceit followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure oftheir serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank inagreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broadand ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauperfavorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose richesare of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim andrightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">incompatibility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibilitymay, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. Ithas even been known to wear a moustache.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">incompossible</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossiblewhen the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough forboth—as Walt Whitman’s poetry and God’s mercy to man. Incompossibility, it willbe seen, is only incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as “Goheel yourself—I mean to kill you on sight,” the words, “Sir, we areincompossible,” would convey and equally significant intimation and in statelycourtesy are altogether superior.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Incubus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of a race of highly improper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, maybe said to have seen their best nights. For a complete account of <i>incubi</i> and <i>succubi</i>, including <i>incubae</i>and <i>succubae</i>, see the <i>Liber Demonorum</i> of Protassus (Paris,1328), which contains much curious information that would be out of place in adictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools.</p> <p>Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself—tempted more than elsewhereby the beauty of the women, doubtless—sometimes plays at <i>incubus</i>, greatly to the inconvenience andalarm of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generallyspeaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might,in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands. The holy mansaid they must feel his brown for horns; but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint adoubt of the efficacy of the test.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">incumbent</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Aperson of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">indecision</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thechief element of success; “for whereas,” saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, “there isbut one way to do nothing and divers way to do something, whereof, to a surety,only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from indecision standethstill hath not so many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards”—amost clear and satisfactory exposition on the matter.</p> <p class="dialog">“Your prompt decision to attack,” said Genera Granton a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, “was admirable; you had but five minutesto make up your mind in.”</p> <p class="dialog">“Yes, sir,” answered the victorious subordinate,“it is a great thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubtwhether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment—I toss us a copper.”</p> <p class="dialog">“Do you mean to say that’s what you did this time?”</p><p class="dialog">“Yes, General; but for Heaven’s sake don’t reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">indifferent</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Imperfectlysensible to distinctions among things.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio’s wife,<br />“You’ve grown indifferent to all in life.”<br />“Indifferent?” he drawled with a slow smile;<br />“I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”</p><p class="citeauth">Apuleius M. Gokul</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">indigestion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Adisease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religiousconviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man ofthe western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: “Plentywell, no pray; big bellyache, heap God.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">indiscretion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The guilt of woman.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">inexpedient</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not calculatedto advance one’s interests.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">infancy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Theperiod of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “Heaven lies about us.” Theworld begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Inferiae,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrificesfor propitation of the <i>Dii Manes</i>, or souls of the dead heroes;for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritualneeds, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor mightsay, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It waswhile sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priestof Aulis, was favored with an audience of that illustrious warrior’s shade, whoprophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph ofChristianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of eventsdown to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the point,owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted Kingof Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to thisstory, and as it has not been traced back further than Pere Brateille, a piousbut obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err onthe side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel’sjudgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow—wow.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">infidel</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In NewYork, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople,one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, andniggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons,monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes,nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins,brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries,pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops,bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers,curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries,diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons,hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins,postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons,reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes,readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers,dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes,rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">influence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In politics,a visionary <i>quo</i> given in exchange for a substantial <i>quid</i>.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Infalapsarian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Onewho ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mindto—in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person’sfall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes calledSublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of theirviews about Adam.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">Two theologues once, as they wended their way</p><p class="poetry">To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray—</p><p class="poetry">An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,</p><p class="poetry">Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.<br />“’Twas Predestination,” cried one—“for the Lord<br />Decreed he should fall of his own accord.”<br />“Not so—‘twas Free will,” the other maintained,<br />“Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained.”<br />So fierce and so fiery grew the debate<br />That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;</p><p class="poetry">So off flew theircassocks and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands wentround. Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning,the fight, A gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and ascowl in his eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As theyclumsily sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordination freedom of will)</p><p class="poetry">Cried: “Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:</p><p class="poetry">Atwixt ye’s nodifference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to—I’m ready to swear Yewrongly interpret the names that they bear. <i>You</i>—Infralapsarian son of a clown!—</p><p class="poetry">Should only contend that Adam slipped down;</p><p class="poetry">While <i>you</i>—you Supralapsarian pup!—</p><p class="poetry">Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.</p><p class="poetry">It’s all the same whether up or down</p><p class="poetry">You slip on a peel of banana brown.</p><p class="poetry">Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,</p><p class="poetry">But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!</p><p class="citeauth">G. J.</p></div><p class="entry"><span class="def">ingrate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Onewho receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”</p><p class="poetry">The good philanthropist replied;</p><p class="poetry">“I did great service to a man one day</p><p class="poetry">Who never since has cursed me to repay,</p><p class="poetry">Nor vilified.”</p><p class="poetry">“Ho!” cried the cynic, “lead me to him straight—</p><p class="poetry">With veneration I am overcome,</p><p class="poetry">And fain would have his blessing.” “Sad your fate—</p><p class="poetry">He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state</p><p class="poetry">This man is dumb.”</p><p class="citeauth">Ariel Selp</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">injury</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Anoffense next in degree of enormity to a slight.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">injustice</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Aburden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves islightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ink</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Avillainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly usedto facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. Theproperties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to makereputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it ismost generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stonesof an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascalquality of the material. There are men called journalists who have establishedink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Notinfrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as muchto get out.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">innate</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Natural,inherent—as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, havinghad them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of themost admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and thereforeinaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have givenit “a black eye.” Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one’sability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one’s country, in thesuperiority of one’s civilization, in the importance of one’s personal affairsand in the interesting nature of one’s diseases.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">in’ards</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thestomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not classthe soul as an in’ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr.Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen isnothing less than our important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P.Servis holds that man’s soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow whichforms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith pointsconfidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning thesetwo theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">inscription</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Somethingwritten on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial,Lines 1–500 of 681. Load more
<?xml version="1.0"?> <!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN" "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd"> <html> <head> <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" /> <link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" /> <title>The Devil’s Dictionary: I</title> </head> <body lang="en-US"> <h1>I</h1> <p>I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be <i>We</i>, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of “I” distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Ichor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.</p> <div class="poem"> <p class="poetry">Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,</p> <p class="poetry">Restrained the raging chief and said:</p> <p class="poetry">“Behold, rash mortal, whom you’ve bled—</p> <p class="poetry">Your soul’s stained white with ichorshed!”</p> <p class="citeauth">Mary Doke</p> </div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">iconoclast</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: “Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">idiot</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">idleness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ignoramus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.</p> <div class="poem"> <p class="poetry">Dumble was an ignoramus,</p> <p class="poetry">Mumble was for learning famous.</p> <p class="poetry">Mumble said one day to Dumble:</p> <p class="poetry">“Ignorance should be more humble.</p> <p class="poetry">Not a spark have you of knowledge</p> <p class="poetry">That was got in any college.”</p> <p class="poetry">Dumble said to Mumble: “Truly</p> <p class="poetry">You’re self-satisfied unduly.</p> <p class="poetry">Of things in college I’m denied</p> <p class="poetry">A knowledge—you of all beside.”</p> <p class="citeauth">Borelli</p> </div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">illuminati</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights—<i>cunctationes illuminati</i>.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">illustrious</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">imagination</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">imbecility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">immigrant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">immodest</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having a strong sense of one’s own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others.</p> <div class="poem"> <p class="poetry">There was once a man in Ispahan</p> <p class="poetry">Ever and ever so long ago,</p> <p class="poetry">And he had a head, the phrenologists said,</p> <p class="poetry">That fitted him for a show.</p> <p class="poetry">For his modesty’s bump was so large a lump</p> <p class="poetry">(Nature, they said, had taken a freak)</p> <p class="poetry">That its summit stood far above the wood</p> <p class="poetry">Of his hair, like a mountain peak.</p> <p class="poetry">So modest a man in all Ispahan,</p> <p class="poetry">Over and over again they swore—</p> <p class="poetry">So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;</p> <p class="poetry">None ever was found before.</p> <p class="poetry">Meantime the hump of that awful bump</p> <p class="poetry">Into the heavens contrived to get</p> <p class="poetry">To so great a height that they called the wight</p> <p class="poetry">The man with the minaret.</p> <p class="poetry">There wasn’t a man in all Ispahan</p> <p class="poetry">Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:</p> <p class="poetry">With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung</p> <p class="poetry">He bragged of that beautiful bump</p> <p class="poetry">Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page</p> <p class="poetry">Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,</p> <p class="poetry">And that gentle child explained as he smiled:</p> <p class="poetry">“A little present for you.”</p> <p class="poetry">The saddest man in all Ispahan,</p> <p class="poetry">Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.</p> <p class="poetry">“If I’d lived,” said he, “my humility</p> <p class="poetry">Had given me deathless fame!”</p> <p class="citeauth">Sukker Uffro</p> </div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">immoral</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man’s notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and nowise dependent on, their consequences—then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">immorality</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p> <div class="poem"> <p class="poetry">A toy which people cry for,</p> <p class="poetry">And on their knees apply for,</p> <p class="poetry">Dispute, contend and lie for,</p> <p class="poetry">And if allowed</p> <p class="poetry">Would be right proud</p> <p class="poetry">Eternally to die for.</p> <p class="citeauth">G. J.</p> </div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impale</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in “churching” heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the “stoole of repentynge,” and among the common people it was jocularly known as “riding the one legged horse.” Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impartial</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impenitence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impiety</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Your irreverence toward my deity.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">imposition</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.</p> <div class="poem"> <p class="poetry">“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”</p> <p class="poetry">Say parson, priest and dervise,</p> <p class="poetry">“We consecrate your cash and lands</p> <p class="poetry">To ecclesiastical service.</p> <p class="poetry">No doubt you’ll swear till all is blue</p> <p class="poetry">At such an imposition. Do.”</p> <p class="poetry">Pollo Doncas</p> <p class="poetry">impostor n. A rival aspirant to public honors.</p> <p class="poetry">improbability, <span class="pos">n.</span></p> <p class="poetry">His tale he told with a solemn face</p> <p class="poetry">And a tender, melancholy grace.</p> <p class="poetry">Improbable ‘twas, no doubt,</p> <p class="poetry">When you came to think it out,</p> <p class="poetry">But the fascinated crowd</p> <p class="poetry">Their deep surprise avowed</p> <p class="poetry">And all with a single voice averred ‘Twas the most amazing thing they’d heard—</p> <p class="poetry">All save one who spake never a word,</p> <p class="poetry">But sat as mum</p> <p class="poetry">As if deaf and dumb,</p> <p class="poetry">Serene, indifferent and unstirred.</p> <p class="poetry">Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb—</p> <p class="poetry">Scanned him alive;</p> <p class="poetry">But he seemed to thrive</p> <p class="poetry">And tranquiler grow each minute,</p> <p class="poetry">As if there were nothing in it.</p> <p class="poetry">“What! what!” cried one, “are you not amazed</p> <p class="poetry">At what our friend has told?” He raised</p> <p class="poetry">Soberly then his eyes and gazed</p> <p class="poetry">In a natural way</p> <p class="poetry">And proceeded to say,</p> <p class="poetry">As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:</p> <p class="poetry">“O no—not at all; I’m a liar myself.”</p> </div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">improvidence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">impunity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Wealth.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">inadmissible</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.</p> <p>But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges’ decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">inauspiciously</span>, <span class="pos">adv.</span> In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds—the omens thence derived being called <i>auspices</i>. Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word—always in the plural—shall mean “patronage” or “management”; as, “The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers”; or, “The hilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger.”</p> <div class="poem"> <p class="poetry">A Roman slave appeared one day</p> <p class="poetry">Before the Augur. “Tell me, pray,</p> <p class="poetry">If—“ here the Augur, smiling, made</p> <p class="poetry">A checking gesture and displayed</p> <p class="poetry">His open palm, which plainly itched,</p> <p class="poetry">For visibly its surface twitched.</p> <p class="poetry">A <i>denarius</i> (the Latin nickel)</p> <p class="poetry">Successfully allayed the tickle,</p> <p class="poetry">And then the slave proceeded: “Please</p> <p class="poetry">Inform me whether Fate decrees</p> <p class="poetry">Success or failure in what I</p> <p class="poetry">To-night (if it be dark) shall try.</p> <p class="poetry">Its nature? Never mind—I think</p> <p class="poetry">‘Tis writ on this”—and with a wink</p> <p class="poetry">Which darkened half the earth, he drew</p> <p class="poetry">Another denarius to view,</p> <p class="poetry">Its shining face attentive scanned,</p> <p class="poetry">Then slipped it into the good man’s hand,</p> <p class="poetry">Who with great gravity said: “Wait</p> <p class="poetry">While I retire to question Fate.”</p> <p class="poetry">That holy person then withdrew</p> <p class="poetry">His scared clay and, passing through</p> <p class="poetry">The temple’s rearward gate, cried “Shoo!”</p> <p class="poetry">Waving his robe of office. Straight</p> <p class="poetry">Each sacred peacock and its mate</p> <p class="poetry">(Maintained for Juno’s favor) fled</p> <p class="poetry">With clamor from the trees o’erhead,</p> <p class="poetry">Where they were perching for the night.</p> <p class="poetry">The temple’s roof received their flight,</p> <p class="poetry">For thither they would always go,</p> <p class="poetry">When danger threatened them below.</p> <p class="poetry">Back to the slave the Augur went:</p> <p class="poetry">“My son, forecasting the event</p> <p class="poetry">By flight of birds, I must confess</p> <p class="poetry">The auspices deny success.”</p> <p class="poetry">That slave retired, a sadder man,</p> <p class="poetry">Abandoning his secret plan—</p> <p class="poetry">Which was (as well the craft seer</p> <p class="poetry">Had from the first divined) to clear</p> <p class="poetry">The wall and fraudulently seize</p> <p class="poetry">On Juno’s poultry in the trees.</p> <p class="citeauth">G. J.</p> </div> <p id="income" class="entry"><span class="def">income</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as “Sir Sycophas Chrysolater” in the play has justly remarked, “the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth—coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one’s own subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">incompatibility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">incompossible</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both—as Walt Whitman’s poetry and God’s mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as “Go heel yourself—I mean to kill you on sight,” the words, “Sir, we are incompossible,” would convey and equally significant intimation and in stately courtesy are altogether superior.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Incubus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of a race of highly improper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best nights. For a complete account of <i>incubi</i> and <i>succubi</i>, including <i>incubae</i> and <i>succubae</i>, see the <i>Liber Demonorum</i> of Protassus (Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools.</p> <p>Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself—tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless—sometimes plays at <i>incubus</i>, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns; but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the test.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">incumbent</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">indecision</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The chief element of success; “for whereas,” saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, “there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards”—a most clear and satisfactory exposition on the matter.</p> <p class="dialog">“Your prompt decision to attack,” said Genera Grant on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, “was admirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind in.”</p> <p class="dialog">“Yes, sir,” answered the victorious subordinate, “it is a great thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment—I toss us a copper.”</p> <p class="dialog">“Do you mean to say that’s what you did this time?”</p> <p class="dialog">“Yes, General; but for Heaven’s sake don’t reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">indifferent</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.</p> <div class="poem"> <p class="poetry">“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio’s wife,<br /> “You’ve grown indifferent to all in life.”<br /> “Indifferent?” he drawled with a slow smile;<br /> “I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”</p> <p class="citeauth">Apuleius M. Gokul</p> </div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">indigestion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: “Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">indiscretion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The guilt of woman.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">inexpedient</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not calculated to advance one’s interests.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">infancy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “Heaven lies about us.” The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Inferiae,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for propitation of the <i>Dii Manes</i>, or souls of the dead heroes; for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that illustrious warrior’s shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel’s judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow—wow.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">infidel</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">influence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In politics, a visionary <i>quo</i> given in exchange for a substantial <i>quid</i>.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Infalapsarian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to—in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person’s fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam.</p> <div class="poem"> <p class="poetry">Two theologues once, as they wended their way</p> <p class="poetry">To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray—</p> <p class="poetry">An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,</p> <p class="poetry">Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.<br /> “’Twas Predestination,” cried one—“for the Lord<br /> Decreed he should fall of his own accord.”<br /> “Not so—‘twas Free will,” the other maintained,<br /> “Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained.”<br /> So fierce and so fiery grew the debate<br /> That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;</p> <p class="poetry">So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, A gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordination freedom of will)</p> <p class="poetry">Cried: “Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:</p> <p class="poetry">Atwixt ye’s no difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to—I’m ready to swear Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. <i>You</i> —Infralapsarian son of a clown!—</p> <p class="poetry">Should only contend that Adam slipped down;</p> <p class="poetry">While <i>you</i>—you Supralapsarian pup!—</p> <p class="poetry">Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.</p> <p class="poetry">It’s all the same whether up or down</p> <p class="poetry">You slip on a peel of banana brown.</p> <p class="poetry">Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,</p> <p class="poetry">But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!</p> <p class="citeauth">G. J.</p> </div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ingrate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.</p> <div class="poem"> <p class="poetry">“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”</p> <p class="poetry">The good philanthropist replied;</p> <p class="poetry">“I did great service to a man one day</p> <p class="poetry">Who never since has cursed me to repay,</p> <p class="poetry">Nor vilified.”</p> <p class="poetry">“Ho!” cried the cynic, “lead me to him straight—</p> <p class="poetry">With veneration I am overcome,</p> <p class="poetry">And fain would have his blessing.” “Sad your fate—</p> <p class="poetry">He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state</p> <p class="poetry">This man is dumb.”</p> <p class="citeauth">Ariel Selp</p> </div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">injury</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">injustice</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ink</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">innate</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Natural, inherent—as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it “a black eye.” Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one’s ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one’s country, in the superiority of one’s civilization, in the importance of one’s personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one’s diseases.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">in’ards</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in’ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man’s soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">inscription</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial,