<?xml version="1.0"?>       <!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"         "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd"><html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" /><link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" /><title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: U</title></head><body lang="en-US">  <h1>U</h1> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ubiquity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thegift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at alltimes, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous etheronly. This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was notclear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. CertainLutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ’s body were known asUbiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ’s body ispresent only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in morethan one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always beenunderstood—not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannotbe in two places at once unless he is a bird.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ugliness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Agift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">ultimatum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Indiplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.</p> <p>Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to consider it.</p> <p>“O servant of the Prophet,” said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk to the Mamoosh of theInvincible Army, “how many unconquerable soldiers have we in arms?”</p> <p>“Upholder of the Faith,” that dignitary replied after examining his memoranda, “they are innumbers as the leaves of the forest!”</p> <p>“And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts of all Christian swine?”he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious Navy.</p> <p>“Uncle of the Full Moon,” was the reply, “deign to know that they are as the waves of the ocean,the sands of the desert and the stars of Heaven!”</p> <p>For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was corrugated withevidences of deep thought: he was calculating the chances of war. Then, “Sonsof angels,” he said, “the die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of theImperial Ear that he advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">un-American</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Wicked,intolerable, heathenish.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">unction</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Anoiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in touching with oilconsecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of one engaged in dying. Marburyrelates that after the rite had been administered to a certain wicked Englishnobleman it was discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated andno other could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: </p> <p>“Then I’ll be damned if I die!”</p> <p>“My son,” said the priest, “this is what we fear.”</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">understanding</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Acerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse bythe roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded byLocke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">His understanding was so keen<br />That all things which he’d felt, heard, seen,<br />He could interpret without fail<br />If he was in or out of jail.<br />He wrote at Inspiration’s call<br />Deep disquisitions on them all,<br />Then, pent at last in an asylum,<br />Performed the service to compile ‘em.<br />So great a writer, all men swore,<br />They never had not read before.</p><p class="citeauth">Jorrock Wormley</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">Unitarian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Onewho denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">universalist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Onewho forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">urbanity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Thekind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but NewYork. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, “I beg your pardon,” andit is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.</p> <div class="poem"><p class="poetry">The owner of a powder mill<br />Was musing on a distant hill—<br />Something his mind foreboded—<br />When from the cloudless sky there fell<br />A deviled human kidney! Well,<br />The man’s mill had exploded.<br />His hat he lifted from his head;<br />“I beg your pardon, sir,” he said;<br />“I didn’t know ‘twas loaded.”</p><p class="citeauth">Swatkin</p></div> <p class="entry"><span class="def">usage</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The FirstPerson of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom andConventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad anindustrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion.</p> <p class="entry"><span class="def">uxoriousness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Aperverted affection that has strayed to one’s own wife.</p> </body>    </html>